Still Kickin’

Wow…It’s been a while since I last posted on here. Honestly, I’m a little embarrassed. I had this crazy idea that quarantine and corona virus would somehow force me to become the punctual writer that I’d always hoped to be. As it turns out, the situation of the world has done absolutely nothing to change me.

Shocker!

I also didn’t start that home-based bakery that I’ve been dreaming of. Nor did I write the storybook that I’ve been expanding in my mind since childhood. Oh, and I’m not all better. My sheer willpower hasn’t changed the state of my sickly body. I’m not making all the money that I would like to. As it turns out, I’m pretty average by all appearances.

But hey, I’m alive.

I don’t have everything together.

I don’t know that I ever will have everything together in all the ways that I might hope for or expect.

And you know what?

THAT’S OKAY.

Since the pandemic hit, I’ve seen posts everywhere about how just because a lot of us suddenly have more time on our hands it’s time to vamp up our lifestyles and live up to our highest expectations for ourselves.

I’ve also seen plenty of posts saying the opposite. You know, that we’re all hurt and grieving and now is the time to be gentle to ourselves?

Yeah…

I kind of ignored the latter.

And that’s gotten me nowhere.

Actually, it’s gotten me into a deep emotional rut.

I’ve had such high expectations for myself: What I SHOULD be doing with my life, how happy I SHOULD feel, how much I SHOULD be growing in specific ways, and so much more.

All those “should”s.

Too many.

And they’re not even helpful.

It’s great to have goals, but isn’t it important to be realistic?

Growth is great, but at the cost of self?

No way!

I’m not going to exchange my identity for some shred of self-appreciation that I’m constantly starving myself from.

At least, not anymore.

It’s time I take my own advice. I’ve told my friends, family members, and even acquaintances that they need to be kind to themselves. I’ve said countless times that personal growth is less about achieving certain goals and more about loving yourself and being friends with yourself.

That applies to me too.

Maybe I won’t ever run that marathon that I’ve considered.

That’s okay.

Maybe I won’t ever get to travel the world.

That’s okay.

Maybe I’ll never be the best in a certain field.

That’s okay.

All these expectations and hopes can easily be dashed.

My health does not permit me to run. At least, not right now. And there’s the possibility that I will not ever be strong enough to run. But that’s alright.

Corona virus has made world travel difficult and dangerous.

I cannot exceed my limitations. They are there for a reason. Other people can easily overtake me in careers and academics.

And that’s okay.

My worth does not hinge on my ability to do specific things or achieve certain tasks.

I am enough.

I don’t have to be the best in comparison to anyone else.

I only need to treat myself with the love and respect that I need and desire as I strive to become the best version of me that I can be.

By nature, I’m going to fail.

I’ve been failing since childhood.

But I’m still going.

I’m still trying.

I’m still fighting.

I don’t always bounce right back up when I get knocked down, but I do always get back up.

I might be bruised, broken, and bleeding, but no matter how hard I fall, how devastating my losses may be, or how much I wish that I could just let go and take a rest, I will always RISE.

And if you’re reading this, so will you.

No matter where you’re at in your life right now, the fact that you’re still here is proof that you are stronger than you think. You’ve survived everything in your life up to this point.

That’s awesome!

You’re amazing!

If you get anything out of this, I hope it’s a little perspective; a reminder that you are capable of more than you realize and that if you’re not in the place that you expected to be, that’s okay.

You’ve come further than you realize and you’re doing better than you think you are.

(Sorry for the lack of pictures and colors this time around. More to come.)